Somehow, having a baby corresponds to having an apparent hurricane destroy what used to be your car’s back seat. My car is in a state of emergency.

A baby’s first birthday party is like a wedding reception – it’s for everyone except the guest(s) of honor. Babies have no idea what’s going on.

It takes a couple of weeks to get used to having cabinet locks installed… and the tiny screws aren’t nearly as strong as they should be.

Diapers are no match for a baby with diarrhea. It can get nasty.

A mobile baby means lots of things, but the ones I didn’t expect were the millions of tiny finger prints and smears on EVERYTHING.

Funny how the box doesn’t tell you the baby monitor will give you 90% static, 10% actual baby sounds.

When selecting the color of a new rug or furniture set, consider what will go well with baby puke. You don’t want it to clash…

Dozing off near a baby is apparently an invitation to get your eyelids and lips ripped off.

I believe that before your baby leaves the hospital, they secretly implant a powerful magnet that is only attracted to stuff they shouldn’t be touching.

After having a son, the amount of activities that I can perform with one hand has gone up 2000%. Get your minds out of the gutter, guys…